Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
