I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
