come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
