Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
