Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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