Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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