At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
