Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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