Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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