this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
