every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
