I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
