maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
