Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
