You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
