I'm so fucking centered right now
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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