paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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