Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This is the high leading the old right now
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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