I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
