I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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