Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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