The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
