She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
