i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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