I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
