Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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