apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
