If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
