oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
