But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
