I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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