Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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