I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
