these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
