i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
