he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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