God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
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I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
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female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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