Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
