if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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