my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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