he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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