my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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