Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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