Barsexuality is the new black.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
