i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
