His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
