i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
