if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
