Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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