Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Got a toothbrush?
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
