His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
