i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
