Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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