I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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