where am i from again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They took my balls.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
