Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
