yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just want to make out with him forever
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
